***the first two Ws are posted under writing my wrestling***
writhing…wrestling…WORSHIP
worship (noun)
to honor or show reverence for God
I’ve been a musician most of my life. I started piano at a very young age, took classical lessons and theory for 13 years, and performed in multiple competitions and recitals. I sang my first solo at the age of 5 and have been a member of multiple choirs, ensembles and worship teams. So, it was no surprise when I started pursuing a relationship with Jesus, I connected most deeply with Him through worship.
Since Paxton left, church, especially worship, has been hard for me. Early on, it was difficult to just get out of bed. The few times I did go, I had to walk out because of baby dedications, a kids’ choir or just being overwhelmed with sorrow. It took almost a year for me to return to church consistently. Even then, I would find myself completely drained after service and I wasn’t sure why.
I finally realized why Sundays are the hardest days of the week for me…and the reasons tie into the first two Ws. There is rarely a Sunday service that doesn’t involve writhing at some point, and every Sunday morning is a wrestling match for me. There are no undercards, just the featured main event…a primetime bout between my flesh and my faith that repeats every week.
flesh – tears of sorrow that my son is not singing beside me
vs
faith – tears of joy that he is singing beside our Savior
flesh – questioning why God let this happen
vs
faith – remembering the ways God has shown me that He loves me and Paxton more than I could ever imagine
flesh – the struggle of standing in the place where Paxton’s memorial service was held
vs
faith – the sweetness of standing in the place and with the people that have been the hands and feet of Jesus to us
flesh – not feeling that the words being sung are true
vs
faith – trusting that God is good even when it feels like He isn’t
flesh – the hard of living on a broken Earth
vs
faith – the hope of living in eternity
While I have been able to start going to church again on a regular basis, it is still a struggle. I’ve always loved to sing and worship is the way I connect most deeply with God. While I believe every word of the songs, sometimes it still hurts too much to sing them. I know you can worship through more ways than music…you can worship with your giving and your time. But, my worship has become so much more. Sometimes it’s singing and sometimes it’s silence. Sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes it’s broken. Sometimes it’s making it to church and sometimes it’s making it out of bed. Worship is bringing whatever you have, even if it’s almost nothing, to the foot of the cross.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
how do I worship
when my heart is breaking
how do I dance when my soul is aching
how do I praise
when I feel You’ve forsaken me
how do I trust when everything is shaken
how do I rest when my world was taken
how do I follow when I can barely make myself stand
I’ll worship in silence
when I can’t sing the words
when I don’t have the strength
to make my voice heard
I’ll worship with singing
even if it’s in a minor key
a broken melody
the only thing I have to bring
I’ll worship through lament
by bringing you my grief
and trusting that my King
is with me in my suffering
even when I don’t feel it I’ll
dance in the darkness
rejoice in the rain
trust in the trials
praise in the pain
worship in the waiting
until I see my son again
the God kiss 