This was our third Christmas without Paxton. When I woke up Thursday morning, I felt a heaviness, which is not abnormal…but this year my mind went immediately to Mary.
I was thinking about the song “Mary, Did You Know?”. If you’re not familiar with it, the song is asking Mary if she knew all of the things Jesus would do and miracles He would perform. When the angel, Gabriel, appeared to Mary to tell her she would bear a son, he said:
“…Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” (Luke 1:30-33 ESV)
Just the appearance of the angel and his announcement that she would bear a son told Mary her baby boy would be special. While she may not have known Jesus would walk on water or heal the blind, she did know that the baby she carried was the fulfillment of God’s promises to save His people. What I’ve been “pondering in my heart” the past few days is this…did she know he would die?
I don’t think she did…especially as she held him in her arms after he was first born. She may have known he would suffer, but I don’t think his death ever crossed her mind. A dear friend explains things this way. We all expect to bury our parents. We also say “until death do us part” when we get married, knowing one of us will have to bury the other. What we never do is gaze into our children’s eyes and picture them dying before us. I know I never did. That is the crushing weight of child loss. In fact, I remember talking about child loss years ago and stating I don’t think I could survive it. That same dear friend, who has been missing her sweet Connor for almost 17 years now, also says “you don’t know what you don’t know”.
Oh how I wish I didn’t know the things I do. I would give anything to be able to kiss Paxton’s face one more time…to have him climb in bed with me in the middle of the night, grab my head and press his cheek to mine. Never once did I think I’d be walking this journey. Just like Mary, I didn’t know.
What I do know is because Mary held Jesus, I will get to hold Paxton again. Because Mary said “I am the Lord’s servant…may your word to me be fulfilled” (Luke 1:38 NIV), I will get to worship with Paxton in heaven. And because Mary watched her son die, my son gets to live and I’ll spend eternity with him.
Mary, did you know
how much it would hurt
to see your baby suffer
Mary, did you know
the pain you would feel
as a grieving mother
did you know
that your baby boy
would hang upon a cross
did you know
that he would give his life
did you understand the cost
God, I didn’t know
that my baby boy
would walk through so much suffering
God, I didn’t know
that my baby boy
would see heaven before me
what I know
is that You are good
and Your promises are true
and I know a day is coming
when all will be made new
my eyes can’t see
they’re blind with tears
my heart’s broken in two
I’m on my knees
Jesus be near
please help me trust You
God, I didn’t know
that my story
would be written this way
God, I didn’t know
when I left that night
it would be his last day
what I know
is You’re still good
when I don’t understand
though my aching arms are empty
my baby boy
is with the Great I am
the God kiss 