Tag: bible

Mary, did you know? I didn’t…

This was our third Christmas without Paxton. When I woke up Thursday morning, I felt a heaviness, which is not abnormal…but this year my mind went immediately to Mary.

I was thinking about the song “Mary, Did You Know?”. If you’re not familiar with it, the song is asking Mary if she knew all of the things Jesus would do and miracles He would perform. When the angel, Gabriel, appeared to Mary to tell her she would bear a son, he said:

“…Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God.  And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus.  He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. And the Lord God will give to him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of his kingdom there will be no end.” (Luke 1:30-33 ESV)

Just the appearance of the angel and his announcement that she would bear a son told Mary her baby boy would be special. While she may not have known Jesus would walk on water or heal the blind, she did know that the baby she carried was the fulfillment of God’s promises to save His people. What I’ve been “pondering in my heart” the past few days is this…did she know he would die?

I don’t think she did…especially as she held him in her arms after he was first born.  She may have known he would suffer, but I don’t think his death ever crossed her mind.  A dear friend explains things this way.  We all expect to bury our parents.  We also say “until death do us part” when we get married, knowing one of us will have to bury the other.  What we never do is gaze into our children’s eyes and picture them dying before us. I know I never did.  That is the crushing weight of child loss.  In fact, I remember talking about child loss years ago and stating I don’t think I could survive it.  That same dear friend, who has been missing her sweet Connor for almost 17 years now, also says “you don’t know what you don’t know”.

Oh how I wish I didn’t know the things I do.  I would give anything to be able to kiss Paxton’s face one more time…to have him climb in bed with me in the middle of the night, grab my head and press his cheek to mine.  Never once did I think I’d be walking this journey.  Just like Mary, I didn’t know.  

What I do know is because Mary held Jesus, I will get to hold Paxton again.  Because Mary said “I am the Lord’s servant…may your word to me be fulfilled” (Luke 1:38 NIV), I will get to worship with Paxton in heaven.  And because Mary watched her son die, my son gets to live and I’ll spend eternity with him.

Mary, did you know

how much it would hurt

to see your baby suffer

Mary, did you know

the pain you would feel

as a grieving mother

did you know 

that your baby boy

would hang upon a cross

did you know

that he would give his life

did you understand the cost

God, I didn’t know 

that my baby boy

would walk through so much suffering

God, I didn’t know

that my baby boy

would see heaven before me

what I know

is that You are good

and Your promises are true

and I know a day is coming 

when all will be made new

my eyes can’t see

they’re blind with tears

my heart’s broken in two

I’m on my knees

Jesus be near

please help me trust You

God, I didn’t know

that my story

would be written this way

God, I didn’t know

when I left that night

it would be his last day

what I know

is You’re still good

when I don’t understand

though my aching arms are empty

my baby boy

is with the Great I am

I speak a new language…

I took two years of Spanish in high school. I also took one semester of Spanish in college. I can speak and understand some Spanish, but only un poco. I have never been bilingual…until now.

Since Paxton left, I have become fluent in a new language. Unfortunately, it’s not one of the Romance languages. It’s also not a language I chose to learn and one I never wanted to speak. It’s the language of lament.

The dictionary defines lament as a verb meaning to mourn aloud: wail.

Mark Vroegop, author of Dark Clouds Deep Mercy, defines lament as “a prayer in pain that leads to trust”.

My definition of lament is:

a LAnguage MEaNT for suffering.

There is no other language that describes the angst that comes from having your child’s birth certificate and death certificate in the same place.

There is no other language that describes the ache of not only missing what was, but missing what should be.

There is no other language that describes the anguish of never being able to hug your child or hear their voice the rest of your life.

There is no other language that describes the agony of holding your child in your arms as his heart stops beating.

Often, the language of lament is not expressed through words. This picture of Paxton is a perfect example. You can see and feel the lament on his face. He broke his teeth doing a back flip at the pool. He wasn’t in pain…he was lamenting the fact his teeth were broken, but he was really lamenting because I told him he couldn’t get gold teeth. 😁

Wailing, screaming, wrestling, raging and sobbing are some ways that lament is spoken without words.  Lament is needed. Lament is necessary. Lament is Biblical. 

Biblical lament is trusting that God is good while acknowledging some things are not. Biblical lament is taking your complaints, your sorrows, your anger…whatever emotion you are experiencing…to Jesus without making it look or sound pretty.  Biblical lament is wrestling with God in your suffering knowing some things will never be made right this side of heaven. 

One of the best ways to support someone that is grieving, is to learn the language of and lean into lament. After my fourth miscarriage, a good friend said “if it’s any comfort, I’m mad at God for you too”. There is nothing more freeing than understanding lament is not sin. There is nothing more comforting than knowing Jesus identifies with us in our suffering. There is nothing more hopeful than knowing the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when all we can mutter are groanings too deep for words (Romans 8:26). 

I wish I didn’t know this language. I wish I didn’t have to lean into lament. It’s a language I was forced to learn, and I’ll speak it the rest of my life.

groanings

too deep for words

I need the ache to be heard

this hurts

I search for a way

to describe the pain

wailing

sobbing

screaming

why?!

I speak a new language

of sorrow

of tears

Jesus be near me

I bring my cries to the cross

He understands the cost

He knows the pain of loss

I speak a new language

of waiting

of grief

Jesus please hold me

I bring my suffering to my Savior

He understands the hard

He meets you where you are

I speak a new language

of love left unspoken

my mama heart is broken

but I know Who to put my hope in

the three Ws…part 3

***the first two Ws are posted under writing my wrestling***

writhing…wrestling…WORSHIP

worship (noun)

to honor or show reverence for God

I’ve been a musician most of my life.  I started piano at a very young age, took classical lessons and theory for 13 years, and performed in multiple competitions and recitals.  I  sang my first solo at the age of 5 and have been a member of multiple choirs, ensembles and worship teams.  So, it was no surprise when I started pursuing a relationship with Jesus, I connected most deeply with Him through worship.

Since Paxton left, church, especially worship,  has been hard for me. Early on, it was difficult to just get out of bed. The few times I did go, I had to walk out because of baby dedications, a kids’ choir or just being overwhelmed with sorrow.  It took almost a year for me to return to church consistently.  Even then, I would find myself completely drained after service and I wasn’t sure why.

I finally realized why Sundays are the hardest days of the week for me…and the reasons tie into the first two Ws.  There is rarely a Sunday service that doesn’t involve writhing at some point, and every Sunday morning is a wrestling match for me.  There are no undercards, just the featured main event…a primetime bout between my flesh and my faith that repeats every week.

flesh – tears of sorrow that my son is not singing beside me

vs

faith – tears of joy that he is singing beside our Savior

flesh – questioning why God let this happen

vs

faith – remembering the ways God has shown me that He loves me and Paxton more than I could ever imagine

flesh – the struggle of standing in the place where Paxton’s memorial service was held

vs

faith – the sweetness of standing in the place and with the people that have been the hands and feet of Jesus to us

flesh – not feeling that the words being sung are true

vs

faith – trusting that God is good even when it feels like He isn’t

flesh – the hard of living on a broken Earth

vs

faith – the hope of living in eternity

While I have been able to start going to church again on a regular basis, it is still a struggle. I’ve always loved to sing and worship is the way I connect most deeply with God. While I believe every word of the songs, sometimes it still hurts too much to sing them.  I know you can worship through more ways than music…you can worship with your giving and your time.  But, my worship has become so much more.  Sometimes it’s singing and sometimes it’s silence.  Sometimes it’s beautiful and sometimes it’s broken.  Sometimes it’s making it to church and sometimes it’s making it out of bed. Worship is bringing whatever you have, even if it’s almost nothing, to the foot of the cross.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how do I worship 

when my heart is breaking

how do I dance when my soul is aching

how do I praise 

when I feel You’ve forsaken me

how do I trust when everything is shaken

how do I rest when my world was taken

how do I follow when I can barely make myself stand

I’ll worship in silence

when I can’t sing the words

when I don’t have the strength

to make my voice heard

I’ll worship with singing

even if it’s in a minor key

a broken melody

the only thing I have to bring

I’ll worship through lament

by bringing you my grief

and trusting that my King

is with me in my suffering

even when I don’t feel it I’ll

dance in the darkness

rejoice in the rain

trust in the trials

praise in the pain

worship in the waiting

until I see my son again 

it will NEVER be good…

My son’s death was not good.

Chad had to face another Father’s Day without all of his kids…that is not good.

Since Paxton left, two other people very close to me have had to bury their sons…that is not good.

Have you ever taken Scripture out of context or not understood its meaning? I’ve done it many times. When I was younger, I remember reading Proverbs 17:17 which says “a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity”. I never felt more validated…that’s why my brother was mean to me…he was born to be! Let’s be honest…I was just as mean to him and that is not what that verse means.😁

Jeremiah 29:11 is another verse that isn’t fully understood…at least I didn’t understand the meaning. It says “for I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.  Doesn’t that sound so warm and fuzzy…like God wants us to be happy and comfortable? The danger of taking a verse out of context is making it fit into our narrative.  Jeremiah is writing this letter to Isrealites that are being held captive in Babylon.  Many of them would die in captivity.  That’s not warm, fuzzy, happy, comfortable or good.

That brings me to Romans 8:28.  It says “and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him”.  It is a beautiful verse, full of comfort and hope.  It reminds me that God is good and He is working.  It brings comfort to me by assuring me that God can bring good out of anything.  What it DOES NOT say (or mean) is everything is good.

A lot of times, we think because God is working all things for good that means we have to be okay with everything…that bad things become good.  That is not true!  Jesus gives us a perfect example in the story of Lazarus.  When he saw Mary weeping over the loss of her brother (John 11), it says Jesus was deeply moved.  If you look at the original Greek, it literally means He snorted in anger!  He knew He would raise Lazarus from the dead.  He knew that awful thing would be used for good, but He was still angry at death because death was not good.

Our church has been preaching through the book of Romans.  A good friend of ours, who also happens to be one of our teaching pastors, asked us if we’d be willing to do a video about how Romans 8:28 applies to trauma and grief.  We agreed with the understanding that we would be talking about our grief journey and the wrestling we’re going through.  We were allowed to finish the video without wrapping it up in a pretty little bow, because there are things that will never be wrapped up this side of heaven.  They graciously allowed us to share our story, our heart and our lament.  (I’ll post the video and the sermon below.)

So friends, God is good, but suffering is not and it needs to be acknowledged.  You can have hope without having a happy face.  You can have joy without justifying the hard.  You can have peace without putting a positive spin on everything.  If you are suffering, if you are wrestling, if you are facing things that aren’t good (which we all are), it’s okay.  The ultimate good God is working is eternal.  There are things that will never be good this side of eternity…but we have a good God who will redeem those things in heaven.

God is good.  He has brought good from Paxton’s death and I pray and believe He will continue to do so.  But…

Paxton’s death was not good…

Paxton’s death is not good…

Paxton’s death WILL NEVER BE GOOD.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

not everything that happens is good 

death was not your original plan 

perfection, paradise in Eden

shattered by woman and man 

chaos, pain and sickness began

You can bring good out of anything

You can take our suffering

and use it for Your glory 

but it doesn’t take away the sting

it doesn’t make the story

easy to read

and You can bring

beauty from ashes

but that doesn’t mean

the ashes are gone or

the beauty will be seen

this side of eternity

what it does mean

is I can reach for my King

Man of Sorrows

acquainted with my grief 

I can bring

my hurt

my questions 

my wrestling 

I can look to You for strength

I can trust that one day

all will be redeemed

what is a God kiss?

From the beginning of this unwanted journey, there were specific things that happened, words that were said and sweet reassurances given that showed us we were loved and not alone. The picture that came to mind is of a father holding his hurt child in his lap and placing a gentle kiss on their forehead. The kiss may not take the hurt away, but it reminds the child that they are precious and held steady in their father’s arms. Any time these sweet gifts were given to us, I felt my Heavenly Father holding me tightly and comforting me with a kiss. I realized that these gifts aren’t just given in the midst of tragedy, they can be seen throughout my life if I look for them. I call these moments God kisses.

I wrote this poem in honor of my sweet boy, and I read it at his memorial service.

the God kiss (written Jan 2023)

a precious little boy, who was not ours from the start,
although the first time I saw him I wanted him to be,
sitting in my car in the DHS parking lot,
wondering why God was asking this of me

as he grew every day, his personality started to shine,
and I fell more in love with each smile,
I marveled (and still do) at God’s perfect design
of that silly, beautiful child

he kept us on our toes over the years,
with his love for adventure and fearless heart,
but he taught us so much through laughter and tears
I don’t even know where to start

from dirt bikes to roller coasters, and climbing the highest tree
his energy never ran out
and at night when he slowed down and cuddled with me
his sweetness made my heart want to shout

the mischievous twinkle in his eye was oh so cute
but could make me a little bit scared,
seeing his vibrant, joyful attitude
he embraced life like no one else dared

his laughter was contagious, so beautiful and free,
and one smile from him could brighten my day
I cherish the 10 years he was here on earth with me
but I’m thankful he’s with Jesus to stay

our hearts are broken, we may never understand,
and our tears will continue to fall,
but as I look back on this journey and the son God placed in our hands,
I realize Paxton was the biggest God kiss of all

the three Ws…part 2

writhing…WRESTLING…worship

wrestle (verb)

struggle with a difficulty or problem

During our six weeks in the hospital, there were so many moments God specifically showed us He was with us in the valley, and He was caring for us and Paxton. So when Paxton was suddenly gone without medical explanation, I had to wrestle with God and the way He wrote Paxton’s story.

I’m still wrestling. I have not lost my faith, but Paxton’s death has caused me to get in the ring with God and wrestle about what faith truly is. It has caused me to question if God really was there, if He still is, and if I truly believe He is good.

I feel sometimes, as Christians, we think having faith means everything is wrapped up in a tidy bow because God is sovereign. We feel like questioning God and wrestling with Him is wrong and diminishes our faith. We think because God is good, and works all things together for good, tragedy should be filtered through the lens of glorifying God which means we can’t question, sorrow, wail, rage or struggle with Him.

Chad said he realized the amount of sorrow we feel and experience does not correlate to our depth of faith or lack thereof. Wrestling with God does not mean I’m losing my faith. In fact, I would say my willingness to wrestle with Him actually strengthens my faith. You can only wrestle with someone if you are face to face with them.

So I wrestle…and I will wrestle with this the rest of my life. There are days when I’m wrestling as hard as I can and there are days when I can barely whisper “why?”. Paxton’s death did not diminish God’s goodness. Paxton’s death can and will be used for good, But, for me, Paxton’s death was not and never will be good.

Throughout the past 664 days, God has remained faithful. He has embraced me in my wrestling and continued to show me He was really there, He is with me now, and He IS good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have to tell myself

over and over again

this is hard

but You are good

my heart is broken

but You are good

I feel forsaken

but You are good

I don’t understand

but You are good

why did you let him die?

You are good

death is not good

but You ARE good

I believe You’re good

I know You’re good

so why does this feel so bad?

why is it so hard to trust?

why does this seem so unjust?

this doesn’t feel like love

my heart is wrestling

locked arm in arm

standing face to face

with grace

You accept my anger

and rage

never letting go

holding me in place

bearing the weight of my pain

capturing my tears in a bottle

wrapping me in your embrace

giving me strength to wait