One of the things that has surprised me about grief, especially child loss, is even simple things have become complicated.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Is it? Is it really that simple? Is it really as easy as the cards, flowers and celebration our society inundates us with?
What about the mom who no longer has a mother? What about the mom who has a strained relationship or difficult history with her mother or child? What about the mom that has suffered a miscarriage…the hopeful mom that is walking through infertility? What about the mom that relinquished her child? What about the mom who has buried a child or children?
It’s complicated.
Simple questions are now confusing mazes littered with landmines.
~How many kids do you have? How old are they?
How do I answer that? Do I say three? Do I say Paxton is 10 or 13? Do I say two on Earth and one in heaven? Do I open myself up to the follow up question of what happened? Is the person asking safe? Should I invite them into my grief garden? Will they see me and honor that sacred space or will they trample on my heart and pain? Am I dishonoring my son if I don’t share his story?
It’s complicated.
~How are you?
Do you really want to know? Are you prepared to hear the truth? Would it shock you if I said there are days I’m disappointed that I didn’t wake up in Heaven? Are you asking to be polite or are you open to embracing the answer, even if it’s not pretty?
It’s complicated.
~Are you sad your youngest is going off to college?
Isn’t the goal of parenting launching your child? Do you know what a true “last” really is? Do you know that you will experience the last of a certain stage but I am living the life of no new stages ever again?
It’s complicated.
~Should I turn on the radio or listen to music, knowing I might hear one of Paxton’s favorite songs or a song from his memorial service?
~Should I watch tv, knowing I might be blindsided by a scene that shows the sickness, injury or death of a child? Or even worse, a commercial like Life360 that has a mother glibly singing about the ways her child could die?
~Should I never go to Walmart again, knowing that an aisle, toy or snack could cause a wave of sorrow to flood my heart?
~Should I look at pictures and watch videos, knowing they could either bring me joy or heighten the loss of what will never be?
It’s complicated. I wish there were easy questions with easy answers. I wish I didn’t have to view life through the glasses of grief. I wish I didn’t have to think about purchasing spots at the cemetery to make sure we’re by our son. I wish I could yell Happy Mother’s Day to every mom I see and not worry if they really are happy.
It’s complicated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
what I used to think was hard
was really a walk in the park
even the blackest night
wasn’t really that dark
and I hadn’t really suffered a broken heart
until I started this journey of grief
walking through life without you beside me
no more lasts
just never again
longing for easy
living in complicated
the God kiss 