writhing…WRESTLING…worship
wrestle (verb)
struggle with a difficulty or problem
During our six weeks in the hospital, there were so many moments God specifically showed us He was with us in the valley, and He was caring for us and Paxton. So when Paxton was suddenly gone without medical explanation, I had to wrestle with God and the way He wrote Paxton’s story.
I’m still wrestling. I have not lost my faith, but Paxton’s death has caused me to get in the ring with God and wrestle about what faith truly is. It has caused me to question if God really was there, if He still is, and if I truly believe He is good.
I feel sometimes, as Christians, we think having faith means everything is wrapped up in a tidy bow because God is sovereign. We feel like questioning God and wrestling with Him is wrong and diminishes our faith. We think because God is good, and works all things together for good, tragedy should be filtered through the lens of glorifying God which means we can’t question, sorrow, wail, rage or struggle with Him.
Chad said he realized the amount of sorrow we feel and experience does not correlate to our depth of faith or lack thereof. Wrestling with God does not mean I’m losing my faith. In fact, I would say my willingness to wrestle with Him actually strengthens my faith. You can only wrestle with someone if you are face to face with them.
So I wrestle…and I will wrestle with this the rest of my life. There are days when I’m wrestling as hard as I can and there are days when I can barely whisper “why?”. Paxton’s death did not diminish God’s goodness. Paxton’s death can and will be used for good, But, for me, Paxton’s death was not and never will be good.
Throughout the past 664 days, God has remained faithful. He has embraced me in my wrestling and continued to show me He was really there, He is with me now, and He IS good.
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I have to tell myself
over and over again
this is hard
but You are good
my heart is broken
but You are good
I feel forsaken
but You are good
I don’t understand
but You are good
why did you let him die?
You are good
death is not good
but You ARE good
I believe You’re good
I know You’re good
so why does this feel so bad?
why is it so hard to trust?
why does this seem so unjust?
this doesn’t feel like love
my heart is wrestling
locked arm in arm
standing face to face
with grace
You accept my anger
and rage
never letting go
holding me in place
bearing the weight of my pain
capturing my tears in a bottle
wrapping me in your embrace
giving me strength to wait
the God kiss 