the chasm…

Today is Paxton’s 14th birthday.  Or should I say today would be Paxton’s 14th birthday?  Child loss makes the simplest things extremely complicated.  It’s the 14th year since his birth, but he’s forever frozen at the age of 10.  

As a believer, I know that Paxton is in eternity.  Each day that passes brings me one day closer to seeing him again, but I’m also one day further away from the boy I knew.  I celebrate his birthday because I’m so glad he was born.  But I hate having to celebrate with…

balloons and banners but no birthday boy

cake and candles but no cheeky smile

sweet and silly memories but no one to sing to

past pictures but no present photos

This is the fourth birthday we face without him.  He would be so different and I can only imagine how he would have changed.  This is what I wrote April 29, 2023…

I’ve been trying to compose this journal entry all week.  However, I find myself struggling to even get out of bed.  It’s like a fog has settled over me the past few days…dark and thick…silent but heavy and oppressive.  

How do you celebrate the birthday of someone so young, who left too soon?  How do you find joy on a day that should be filled with Dairy Queen, friends, gifts and laughter, but instead will be filled with only memories?  How do you say Happy 11th Birthday to someone who is forever 10?  Today, instead of making new memories, we are desperately clinging to the old, trying to honor the boy he was while grieving the man he will never become.

But, if there is anyone worth celebrating, it is my sweet Pax.  He taught me so much in his 10 short years.  He taught me to love life…he could find joy in the simplest of things.  He taught me to love others…Paxton thrived when he was spending time with people.  He taught me to love adventure…when I say Paxton was afraid of nothing, I mean that literally!  He taught me to love laughter…he was always ready with a joke or silly face to make you laugh.  He taught me to be strong…there was never a challenge he didn’t face head on.

So, today I will try to picture Paxton having his best birthday ever, while I mourn the empty seat next to me.  I will try to find some of the joy he is immersed in while I grieve the absence of his smile.  I will commit to laugh a little louder, love a little deeper and live a little brighter.

Happy Birthday baby boy.  Counting the days until we can celebrate together again.

The distance between 10 year old Paxton and 14 year old Paxton is a chasm that feels vast and endless.  I would give anything to cross it, even for a moment, just to see him and hear his voice one more time.  A chasm is a profound, unbridgeable division and it feels like it gets bigger every day.  Death is a chasm that can’t be crossed…a division that can’t be spanned in our humanness.

So, I’m thankful that there is a Cross tie…that spans the chasm of grief and joy.  One that closes the chasm of death and life.  I’m thankful that the Cross is a chasm conqueror.  Because of the sacrifice Jesus made for me, for Paxton, and for you, one day the chasm will be closed and every day will be a glorious celebration that will last for eternity.

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every day

the chasm grows

between the person you would be

and the boy I used to know

I’m holding on

to memories made

I refuse to let them fade

I won’t let people forget your name

your beaming smile

and freckled face

made the world a brighter place

I’m longing for

just one more day

one more moment

one more time

to hear your voice

to hug you

to look into your eyes

I realize that dream

will never come true

this side of heaven

there will never be another first

there will never be a new photo of you

but there is a cross

that closes the divide

and because of Jesus’ sacrifice

one day

I’ll see you on the other side