I’ve been wrestling with something lately. It’s the statement “God answered my prayer(s)”. And like a lot of things, my view of that statement has been reframed. What we should say is “God answered my prayer(s) with a yes”. Because God always answers our prayers…but sometimes the answer is no.
I love when people praise with others when their prayers are answered yes…but can I challenge you to be just as present and purposeful when the answer is no?
When a prayer is answered no, especially with child loss, not being seen in your sorrow or heard in your hard can make grief feel very lonely. I am fully aware that pain is uncomfortable. I also know that not every no is hard. However a lot of them are so let me give you permission to:
celebrate when the answer is yes, but know it’s okay to cry when the answer is no…
marvel when the answer is yes, but know it’s okay to mourn when the answer is no…
applaud when the answer is yes, but know it’s okay to acknowledge the ache and absence when the answer is no.
I don’t know why my prayers were answered with no. I don’t know why Paxton wasn’t healed this side of heaven. I’m so thankful for those who had their prayers answered yes. I’m not envious of that. There have been many yeses in my life. My prayer that Paxton would be our son was answered with a yes and I celebrate that…and I also mourn the no that took my son from me.
God is good AND life is hard…it’s okay to wrestle with that, especially when the answer is no.
I begged
I pleaded
I fell on my knees
Jesus please!
heal my son
don’t take my baby
can you hear me?
am I seen?
why won’t you answer me?
then I heard a whisper
deep within my soul
I answered you beloved
not with a yes
but with a gentle no
I loved him too
I brought him home
completely healed and free
and I love you
I hear you
I see you in your grief
I know your heart is broken
I know you don’t understand
I know it’s not what you wanted
I know it’s hard to trust my plan
I’m holding you
and I promise
I’ll never let you go
keep wrestling
keep leaning in
I am with you
even in your sorrow
Perfect! I think I realized my prayers were answered with “no.” It’s helpful, though, to see it that way. Yes, Matt’s back no longer hurts, he doesn’t have asthma, and he won’t have to worry about his blood sugar. He’s free of all that! I miss him so much, it hurts so much, but knowing this reality helps. God is still in control and still working in my life and in the lives of our little family.