Tag: easter

Neverland is real!

Since Paxton died, I have looked at and felt Easter in a different way. I now understand the pain that Mary went through as she watched her son die and I now understand that I am living in the silence of Saturday. I’ve linked my two previous Easter posts below.

https://thegodkiss.com/2023/04/07/lament/

https://thegodkiss.com/2025/04/19/the-silence-of-saturday/

This year I have another new perspective of Easter and it revolves around the word never. Throughout the Good Friday and Easter services, I could barely sing. They are services that Paxton would have attended with us, and it’s another thing that he’ll never do again. As tears of sorrow poured from my eyes, I had an image of Paxton in heaven. The tears of sorrow didn’t stop flowing, but they became mixed with tears of joy because…

Paxton NEVER again has to feel the horror and heaviness of Good Friday…

he NEVER again has to sit in the suffering and silence of Saturday…

and he will NEVER again anticipate and await Easter Sunday because ever day is Easter for Paxton!

I cannot describe how comforting that is to me. When I think back on Paxton’s life, accident, hospital stay and death, there are a few questions that can absolutely bring me to my knees.

Did Paxton know how much I loved him?

Was he scared?

Did he wonder where I was?

Was he in pain?

Did I fail him?

My mind knows the answers to those questions, but my heart aches at the thought of him feeling alone, unloved, or scared, and knowing he was in pain kills me. Then God gently comforts me and reminds me that Paxton now lives in Neverland. His home in heaven is free of all of those things. He will never again be sick, afraid, hurt or lonely. He will never again face a hard day or a dark night. Neverland is real friends…and it’s name is Heaven.

it kills me that

I wasn’t there

were you scared?

I can’t bear the thought

I let you down

I don’t know how

to forgive myself

I wish I could tell you

how sorry I am

then I’m reminded

Neverland is real

Heaven is it’s name

a place where there will never be

sickness

fear

or pain

a place where we will never face

loss or death again

no hospitals with waiting rooms

full of broken hearts

no funeral homes

or cemeteries

no more time apart

I’m thankful you’re in neverland

I’ll join you there one day

Until then, I’ll hold on

to the God of Heaven

who will never fail or fade

the silence of saturday

I have been thinking a lot this week about the meaning and importance of Easter…

Good Friday is grieving what our sin cost.

Easter Sunday is being grateful for our Savior’s cross.

Good Friday is feeling the forsakenness of the Son.

Easter Sunday is embracing the significance of what He’s done.

Good Friday is sorrow over the Savior’s suffering.

Easter is rejoicing over the resurrection of our eternal King.

Good Friday we feel the devastation of His final breath.

Easter Sunday we see His ultimate victory claimed over death.

But, I’ve never really thought about the silence of Saturday.

I wonder what Mary was thinking and feeling that Saturday.  I know she fully believed her son was the Messiah.  She watched Him grow, loved Him well and trusted God’s plan.  However, she still had to watch her son die.  She still mourned His death.  She still had to bury His body.  The silence of that Saturday had to be the loudest sound she’d ever heard.

His silence did not mean absence, it was sin’s required severance.  He chose separation from relationship with His Father so our relationship with God could be restored.  Without the silence, Good Friday wouldn’t have mattered and Easter Sunday would not be possible. 

I believe with all of my heart that Jesus died  and was resurrected, and because of that, I’ll see Paxton again.  However, I still had to watch my son die. I still have to mourn his death. I still had to bury his body.  I trust God’s plan, but Easter now hits differently for me. I am grieving the need for Jesus’s death.  I am hopeful for His return.  But for now, I am sitting in the silence of Saturday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the cross taken down

one last look at his face

the stone put in place

the sacrifice made

as the Messiah laid

in that cold, dark grave

 tears flowing freely

quiet descended

a perfect life ended

relationship mended

the Son rejected 

payment for my sin

hoping for Sunday

hating the wait

immeasurable pain

unwavering faith

grieving death

grateful for grace

learning to embrace

the silence of Saturday 

lament

Good Friday.  It was good.  It is good.  Because of Good Friday and Easter Sunday, I can have a personal relationship with Jesus and have hope that I’ll see Paxton again.  But, this year is different.  This year my thoughts are on Mary.

I ache for Mary in a new way.  I feel her physical pain as she weeps for her son.  I understand her sorrow in the midst of goodness.  I wonder if she ever asked God why it had to be that way.  I wonder if she ever just wanted her Son to live, even though His death saved all of humanity.

I now know the true meaning of Lament.  Psalm 77 says “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest”.  I know that in the second half of the Psalm, Asaph reminds himself of God’s goodness.  But, we don’t know how long it took him to write the first half.  It may have been years.  I know the truth, and I know God is good, but right now my heart laments.  This is what I wrote last night:

my soul cries out in anguish                                                                                             

my heart is filled with pain                                                                                         

my world is a little more gray                                                                                   

I’ll never be the same

my God, my God, are You there?                                                                           

I feel so all alone                                                                                                       

the valley of the shadow of death                                                                         

is now the place I roam

my eyes are full of sadness                                                                                     

my face is wet with tears                                                                                         

I reach out desperate for Your touch                                                                     

and wonder if You’re near

sorrow is my shadow                                                                                               

sometimes hidden, always there                                                                           

living life without my son                                                                                       

is a crushing burden to bear

sometimes I’m so overwhelmed                                                                           

I forget to even breathe                                                                                             

I will never understand                                                                                             

why he had to leave

I still choose to trust You                                                                                         

but I’m weary, worn and spent                                                                                 

Father God, please carry me                                                                                   

through this time of deep lament

lament

my soul cries out in anguish                                                                                             

my heart is filled with pain                                                                                         

my world is a little more gray                                                                                   

I’ll never be the same

my God, my God, are You there?                                                                           

I feel so all alone                                                                                                       

the valley of the shadow of death                                                                         

is now the place I roam

my eyes are full of sadness                                                                                     

my face is wet with tears                                                                                         

I reach out desperate for Your touch                                                                     

and wonder if You’re near

sorrow is my shadow                                                                                               

sometimes hidden, always there                                                                           

living life without my son                                                                                       

is a crushing burden to bear

sometimes I’m so overwhelmed                                                                           

I forget to even breathe                                                                                             

I will never understand                                                                                             

why he had to leave

I still choose to trust You                                                                                         

but I’m weary, worn and spent                                                                                 

Father God, please carry me                                                                                   

through this time of deep lament