a face that knows sorrow…

Once a month I get together with a group of precious bereaved mamas.  It’s a safe space for our grief,  a sacred place for our stories, and a sweet space to share our children.  Recently, we were sharing pictures of us with our kids.  My friend handed me a picture of her and her son and said that is the face of a mom who has not yet known sorrow.

That struck me and has stuck with me these past few weeks.  I started thinking about all of the pictures I have…the ones before Paxton died and the ones after Paxton died, and I realized that there is a difference in my face.  It might only be noticed by those closest to me and other grieving moms, but I definitely see it.

Don’t get me wrong, this face had known many emotions before.  It had known pain and peace…heartache and happiness…sweetness and sadness…but it had not known sorrow.  I didn’t even realize there was a difference until I had to bury my son.

Sadness is defined as a basic human emotion characterized by feelings of unhappiness and low mood. It is a natural, temporary response to loss, disappointment, or painful life events.

Sorrow is defined as an intense emotion of deep sadness, grief, or regret typically caused by loss, disappointment, or a sense of remorse. Unlike passing sadness, it is often a longer-term, persistent state of mental pain.

I love the Hebrew definition of sorrow.  It’s the word yagah.  It communicates an inward grief that drains vitality and dampens hope. It is deeper than momentary sadness, describing a sustained weight of heart that can lead to physical depletion.

In other words, sadness is an emotional state…sorrow is an ever present shadow. Sadness is experiencing a last “first”…sorrow is never having another first.  Sadness is life draining…sorrow is life changing.  Sadness fades…sorrow stays.

There is a company called Bridge to Book that will take your Caring Bridge site and turn it into a keepsake.  It has taken me a year, but I finally had one made and I got it in the mail last Saturday.  I’m so thankful I have it…I was terrified something would happen and I would lose everything, but I haven’t been able to open it yet.  It’s not just a book…it’s where my story of sorrow begins.

I wish my face did not know sorrow.  I wish the shadow of loss was not present in every picture.  I am thankful that in the midst of sorrow, there are still moments of joy…in fact, I think giving my sorrow a voice allows me to experience joy more deeply.  I’m thankful that death is not the end.  I’m thankful that Jesus has my boy and one day, my sorrow will be gone forever.

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this face had been wet with tears

it had carried heartache

and smiled through pain

but now this face knows sorrow

it carries heartbreak

and will neverbe the same

though it may be unseen

the grief of losing my son

touches everything

the shadow of sorrow 

doesn’t quiet joy

it makes it deeper than before

it makes it mean that much more

this face knows a lot of things

the most important being

there is a King who sees

and He is walking through sorrow with me