I can probably guess what word popped into your head when you read the title. (Chad said I used it as click bait😊) I’m sure most people think of the four letter “f” word, but I’m taking about a different word.
The word I’m writing about is not a “bad” word and it’s only three letters. However, it can cause just as much shock and harm as a curse word when it’s spoken (or implied) to grievers, especially those who have lost a child. Have you guessed it yet? It’s FIX. Grief is not a problem to be solved and pain does not have an equation that will be fully balanced until we’re in Heaven.
I understand that, as a culture, we want to fix others’ pain. I don’t like to see anyone in pain, especially people I love. We want to share the right verse, bring the right meal, send the right book, and put a time frame on healing. While those things can be encouraging (in the right moment) please don’t ever try to fix a broken heart. Because even though God is good, life is still hard.
My grief will never fully be resolved and my pain will never fully be gone on Earth. It can’t be fixed, but it can be carried. For grievers (and those walking alongside them), here are the “f” words I want to share that have helped me…face, feel, flow. I have to face my loss, I have to feel my pain and I have to learn to flow with my grief.
It sounds so simple and it’s so easy to write! But don’t let me fool you (how many “f” words can I fit in one post?)…it is anything but.
I don’t want to face the loss of my precious boy. I don’t want to feel the pain of his absence. I don’t want to learn to flow with it because I don’t want this to be my story!
Yet no matter how hard I try to ignore it, grief is always there. Thankfully, it’s no longer overwhelming on a daily basis. There are still days I want to look away, push down the feelings and pretend it’s all just a nightmare. But grief is a jealous mistress and she can only be silenced for so long.
There are days grief is more patient…
there are days grief is more persistent…
there are days grief is more painful…
but grief is always, ALWAYS present.
I’ve learned that flowing with grief means facing it and feeling it whenever it may come. Feeling grief can take on different forms. It can mean crying, screaming or laughing. It can mean backing out on a commitment or leaving an event early. It can mean taking a nap or taking a walk. It can mean looking at pictures and watching videos or shutting off screens and social media. Sometimes it can mean multiple things at once.
I was cleaning some things out of our room a few weeks ago. I found Paxton’s trach care guide as well as two folders full of his handprints and footprints that the hospital provided us. Whether I chose to face it and feel it or that day or whether I was forced to, I hugged those folders tightly to my chest, laid on the floor and cried for about an hour.
That’s how I’ve learned to manage my grief. The only way I can flow with it is to face it and feel it when it comes. There’s no fix for this. There is only faith in the Father who knows my pain, captures my tears and will one day fix it forever.
yesterday grief stood silently by
patiently choosing to wait
today grief stood tall and still
staring me right in the face
tomorrow grief may whisper in my ear
or crash into me like a wave
the only reason I’m still standing
is because I choose to have faith
in the Father who sees
and captures my tears
even when grief is close
even when I lose my hold
His presence is near
never changing
never letting go