Tag: sorrow

the “f” word…

I can probably guess what word popped into your head when you read the title. (Chad said I used it as click bait😊) I’m sure most people think of the four letter “f” word, but I’m taking about a different word.

The word I’m writing about is not a “bad” word and it’s only three letters. However, it can cause just as much shock and harm as a curse word when it’s spoken (or implied) to grievers, especially those who have lost a child. Have you guessed it yet?   It’s FIX.  Grief is not a problem to be solved and pain does not have an equation that will be fully balanced until we’re in Heaven.

I understand that, as a culture, we want to fix others’ pain. I don’t like to see anyone in pain, especially people I love.  We want to share the right verse, bring the right meal, send the right book, and put a time frame on healing. While those things can be encouraging (in the right moment) please don’t ever try to fix a broken heart. Because even though God is good, life is still hard.

My grief will never fully be resolved and my pain will never fully be gone on Earth. It can’t be fixed, but it can be carried.  For grievers (and those walking alongside them), here are the “f” words I want to share that have helped me…face, feel, flow.  I have to face my loss, I have to feel my pain and I have to learn to flow with my grief.

It sounds so simple and it’s so easy to write! But don’t let me fool you (how many “f” words can I fit in one post?)…it is anything but.

I don’t want to face the loss of my precious boy. I don’t want to feel the pain of his absence. I don’t want to learn to flow with it because I don’t want this to be my story!

Yet no matter how hard I try to ignore it, grief is always there. Thankfully, it’s no longer overwhelming on a daily basis. There are still days I want to look away, push down the feelings and pretend it’s all just a nightmare. But grief is a jealous mistress and she can only be silenced for so long.

There are days grief is more patient…

there are days grief is more persistent…

there are days grief is more painful…

but grief is always, ALWAYS present.

I’ve learned that flowing with grief means facing it and feeling it whenever it may come.  Feeling grief can take on different forms.  It can mean crying, screaming or laughing.  It can mean backing out on a commitment or leaving an event early.  It can mean taking a nap or taking a walk.  It can mean looking at pictures and watching videos or shutting off screens and social media.  Sometimes it can mean multiple things at once.

I was cleaning some things out of our room a few weeks ago. I found Paxton’s trach care guide as well as two folders full of his handprints and footprints that the hospital provided us. Whether I chose to face it and feel it or that day or whether I was forced to, I hugged those folders tightly to my chest, laid on the floor and cried for about an hour. 

That’s how I’ve learned to manage my grief. The only way I can flow with it is to face it and feel it when it comes. There’s no fix for this. There is only faith in the Father who knows my pain, captures my tears and will one day fix it forever.

yesterday grief stood silently by 

patiently choosing to wait

today grief stood tall and still

staring me right in the face

tomorrow grief may whisper in my ear

or crash into me like a wave

the only reason I’m still standing

is because I choose to have faith

in the Father who sees

and captures my tears

even when grief is close

even when I lose my hold

His presence is near

never changing

never letting go

a face that knows sorrow…

Once a month I get together with a group of precious bereaved mamas.  It’s a safe space for our grief,  a sacred place for our stories, and a sweet space to share our children.  Recently, we were sharing pictures of us with our kids.  My friend handed me a picture of her and her son and said that is the face of a mom who has not yet known sorrow.

That struck me and has stuck with me these past few weeks.  I started thinking about all of the pictures I have…the ones before Paxton died and the ones after Paxton died, and I realized that there is a difference in my face.  It might only be noticed by those closest to me and other grieving moms, but I definitely see it.

Don’t get me wrong, this face had known many emotions before.  It had known pain and peace…heartache and happiness…sweetness and sadness…but it had not known sorrow.  I didn’t even realize there was a difference until I had to bury my son.

Sadness is defined as a basic human emotion characterized by feelings of unhappiness and low mood. It is a natural, temporary response to loss, disappointment, or painful life events.

Sorrow is defined as an intense emotion of deep sadness, grief, or regret typically caused by loss, disappointment, or a sense of remorse. Unlike passing sadness, it is often a longer-term, persistent state of mental pain.

I love the Hebrew definition of sorrow.  It’s the word yagah.  It communicates an inward grief that drains vitality and dampens hope. It is deeper than momentary sadness, describing a sustained weight of heart that can lead to physical depletion.

In other words, sadness is an emotional state…sorrow is an ever present shadow. Sadness is experiencing a last “first”…sorrow is never having another first.  Sadness is life draining…sorrow is life changing.  Sadness fades…sorrow stays.

There is a company called Bridge to Book that will take your Caring Bridge site and turn it into a keepsake.  It has taken me a year, but I finally had one made and I got it in the mail last Saturday.  I’m so thankful I have it…I was terrified something would happen and I would lose everything, but I haven’t been able to open it yet.  It’s not just a book…it’s where my story of sorrow begins.

I wish my face did not know sorrow.  I wish the shadow of loss was not present in every picture.  I am thankful that in the midst of sorrow, there are still moments of joy…in fact, I think giving my sorrow a voice allows me to experience joy more deeply.  I’m thankful that death is not the end.  I’m thankful that Jesus has my boy and one day, my sorrow will be gone forever.

this face had been wet with tears

it had carried heartache

and smiled through pain

but now this face knows sorrow

it carries heartbreak

and will neverbe the same

though it may be unseen

the grief of losing my son

touches everything

the shadow of sorrow 

doesn’t quiet joy

it makes it deeper than before

it makes it mean that much more

this face knows a lot of things

the most important being

there is a King who sees

and He is walking through sorrow with me